To Feel or Not To Feel, That is the Question

a quest through a conflicted mind

(first, note that this piece was written at two different times. Partially before I left for St. Louis, partially after I’d arrived. Here begins the part before departure)

In less than two weeks, I’m moving back up to St. Louis.

Pretty much every time that I think about it, I get nervous.

A lot of the stress comes from the narrative that this semester is going to be just like my first semester. I’ll be leaving a routine that I’ve become accustomed to over the last 9–10 months, I’ll be leaving my parents, I’ll be leaving my home, and I’ll be leaving my city. I’ll be going somewhere that I’m still mostly unfamiliar with and don’t feel at home at, still without a core close friend group that I can depend on. The circumstances are ripe for me to slip into the tendencies that both comforted me and stressed me out in my first year at WashU. Add in the COVID protocols that we have to deal with, and the narrative is further reinforced. It’s a narrative that scares me, and causes doubt about why I’m leaving Little Rock at all.

At the same time, I can tell you exactly why I’m leaving Little Rock.

I literally do the same thing. Every day. It’s not like leaving Little Rock is legitimately depriving me from doing much of anything or going to places that I haven’t been. Is it depriving me of my comfort? Yes. But that’s only a problem because I consistently expect to be comfortable. I need to embrace uncomfortability, and be mindful. This semester is another opportunity to grow (which I continue to try and avoid doing).

Self-doubt, second-guessing, and overthinking are some things that I do. They are ever-present in my life.

(Note: from the previous point, I abdicated my responsibility to finish the piece until around a month after I arrived at WashU. What follows is my balancing of my previous points and the addressing of the question I initially posed. Plus, a little bit of comedy)

Jakob! Glad you wrote those thoughts down! Wish you’d finished the piece, but I’m left to do that now. One thing that I’ll say that I think you really do know as that the self-doubt, second-guessing, and overthinking are ALWAYS going to be there as temptations in your life. And that’s okay. They are part of who you are.

You were right to think that this semester is an opportunity to grow. Whether it’s super noticable or not, I feel myself growing currently, and I look back at the emotional state I was in when I wrote this SEEING and FEELING growth since that point in time (mentally, not physically). I’ve learned how to be self-dependent and self-sufficient — generally — again, and don’t often get too bogged down if a voice in my head tells me that I am mismanaging the moment or failing to take advantage of my life. I’m trying to be more appreciative of the little things, and it certainly does work sometimes. Parts of school are genuinely more interesting than they usually are, and I have a genuine motivation to read more (although not as much as I might want to). Improvements have been made, and I’ve been growing.

Have I felt a ton? Not really. I’ve had my tough days, and I had difficulty dealing with my emotions when I first got up here, but generally, I haven’t felt that much. If you had finished what you were aiming to say about a month and a half ago, Jakob, you would’ve said that you were conflicted about whether you needed to be emotional about leaving Little Rock, and how you were questioning about if you were holding your own emotions back.

I can’t give you many answers on that front. As I said, I’ve been fairly centered while I’ve been up here. For the most part, I’ve adjusted to a routine, although I do believe I’m open to changes in that routine, I haven’t been subjected to periods where I am presented with the possibility of wild emotional swings. Sometimes, during the week I’ll hit a malaise based upon the stressors of school and my perceived inability to focus for long periods of time, but other than that, my life is so much more easy than I thought it would be when I initially came up here.

My mom is coming up to St. Louis this week, just over a month since she and my Dad left. I’ve honestly not seen a ton of people since, but I don’t feel like I’m a loner or that I’m the only one in isolation, like I have in the past. I’ve also just simply not gotten the chance to do a lot of “feeling” while I’ve been up here. I’ll be glad to be around someone who brings the spark back into my life, that’s for certain! While I can’t know whether I’ll feel sad about her leaving, or whether I will truly, deeply get emotional about any subsequent events that may follow, what I do know is that I am now open to doing so. Often, feeling them is somewhat cathartic for me, and gives me a chance to actually address the small everyday stressses that I have. When I cry, it’s usually a relief, as I’m used to doing it so little. So, I’m open to doing it more, when I need to and when it is warranted. While that opportunity to truly “feel” hasn’t come very often since I’ve gotten to WashU, I welcome the opportunity to feel — whether it’s good or bad — in the future.