Holidays Holi-daze?

I haven’t written in a while. This semester of college has created a groove for me that just seems to drain out my creative inhibitions, especially when it comes to writing. If I ever get the chance to start writing, I often write for 5 minutes — at most — and then stop again. This semester I’ve started 3 separate Medium pieces other than this one, and have gotten nowhere close to finishing them. But leading into the holiday season, and during the time where I wind down with the semester and finish with classes, I think it’s necessary to write.

As I think has become clear from my previous writing, I will often use this form to clear up in my own head how I feel about something important in my life. If it hasn’t become clear, then let me let you in on a little secret. Most of the time, I avoid thinking about the larger issues of my life for long periods of time, so, naturally, I have a hard time making decisions about these issues. Call it avoidance, procrastination, or ambivalence, the point is that I clearly have a tough time making my mind up about life decisions and the direction that my life is heading in the long term. This frame of thinking is not without it’s benefits, however. A lack of long-term planning allows me the opportunity to live in the moment quite often (although I can’t say that I always take advantage of that), and allows me to adjust to changing circumstances. No matter the pro’s or con’s of my usual decision-making style on life important choices, the point is that I’m transitioning again from a place of incessant business (slightly) balanced with an unending urge for “free time” (which really means “phone time”) to a time where I will have a lot more free time and not be bogged down with schoolwork. This gives me an opportunity to examine where I am in my life and what decisions need to be made, and look towards the positive habits I can begin to foster.

While the grind of this semester has often limited my ability to make life-altering decisions, it’s important to note that late in this semester I’ve made a few important ones. I’ve chosen to go back up to WashU next semester and to Major in Political Science, with a Minor in Film Studies and Legal Studies. I’ll be glad to use those as DEFINITIVE answers to the questions that will unavoidably come my way in the months and years to come. But in terms of long-term plans/goals, I’m quite unsure of what I’ll do.

It was around this time last year where I set out to improve my life. I told myself that that the second semester of my freshman year would be very different than my first, and set out to make changes to my habits and put myself out there more. I did that, however, my prediction about the second semester being different than the first came true in a way that I didn’t expect it to, with COVID hitting. Safe to say that it ruined my plan of second semester self-improvement. However, the point of my mentioning last year is that I hope to approach the second semester of my sophomore year in a similar fashion. Clearly, I’m going to have to get used to being alone again. Not without friends, but without parents. Individuating is definitely a process I’ve done before, but it’s gonna be hectic to go through it again. Part of me is scared and nervous, but another part of me is optimistic.

As I’ve said, I think next semester is a great opportunity for me to grow. I’ll be living alone again, getting used to self-responsibility, and be dealing with alot of the same worries that I dealt with freshman year. And that’s okay, it’s normal. I’ve grown, but lifestyle change is never easy. The responsibilities will mount, but I know how to deal with that, and I’ll be okay.

The change lies ahead, so why am I writing now? Honestly, to rationalize. And to plan ahead, prepare. I’d like to get back to WashU with a stable enough base to feel excited, motivated, and to be successful in the goals I set next semester. Maybe I have that base, but I certainly think that developing a few healthy habits over the break would help. If the change doesn’t come in developing new habits, then I hope it comes in the form of dealing with some decisions about my future.

I know what I don’t want winter break to look like. A daze. I’d like to do something productive most days, something that expands my interests or my mind. The worst thing I could do is to be on my phone all day every day. I think it was early in my second semester of freshman year that I said to my dad over the phone that I want to create, not consume. That desire still exists. The more I create, the more I feel that I’m staking my place in the world, cementing my importance within it. I’m sure that’s true for some others as well. When I just consume, I feel as though I’m failing comparative to everyone else. It’s healthier to create, and I hope I can foster some creative habits (such as writing more often, even if it isn’t about life topics). Cementing a place and doing something of importance will hopefully lead me to really get to know myself, in a way that I can’t truly do when I’m comparing myself to others.

So I guess that’s the goal of this break. Do things that help you get to know yourself better. Don’t fall into a daze. Don’t incessently consume. You’ve got major life events coming up, prepare yourself for them, don’t ignore them. Be bored! Sit with yourself and listen to your thoughts! Boredom is not as bad as you think.

Hell, this is becoming a diary. My bad. But if you’ve read this far, it’s clearly an interesting diary to you. The point is, this break is another opportunity for me to grow.

I’d be a fool not to take it.

Expect more Medium pieces on the horizon.

Happy Holidays ;)