Corona-cation

COVID-19.

Let’s hope I don’t get it. Let’s hope it doesn’t kill me if I do. One thing I know for sure, it’s been stressing me the fuck out.

This shit is wack. This is fundamentally different to any experience I’ve had in my life, and if I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it.

To be frank, there are many times so far where I’ve panicked. I’ve shit on our President, isolated myself and wanted to criticize other people for not taking things seriously enough. Not to say that these are bad things to do, but they keep me in a stressed, tense, negative mindset that just constantly depresses me.

And there are times I feel like I should be depressed. Sports, one of my favorite distractions from my emotions, have been snatched from me just like that. Two of my grandparents have been sick, and although they didn’t have COVID-19, it was extremely worrisome. Pretty much all of my stuff is still in St. Louis because WashU suspended classes while we were on Spring Break. I get so tempted to feel like the world is changing and I’m being forced into an isolation that’s going to cause me to turn into Jack Torrence, or just severely depress me.

BUT, I have to look at the positives. I’d be miserable if I didn’t.

1. I get time around my parents (who are my best friends, thank god) that I’ve missed while I’ve been at college.
2. I’m lucky enough to be experiencing all of this at HOME, instead of in St. Louis. Don’t get me wrong, I like St. Louis a lot, but I would feel much less safe being there than I do here.
3. Biggest plus here (although it could be seen as a negative, and I’ll probably see it as both each and every day): I get to spend time with myself. I get to spend time with my thoughts and have distractions eliminated for me. It’s almost as if Mother Nature is telling us that we all need some kind of spiritual awakening, therefore she is leaving us with an opportune moment to take a look at ourselves and learn more.

Still, this is not an excuse to not take things seriously, and to not do my part. I know that it’s not a smart idea to interact with anyone outside your house, and I’m heeding all the precautions. It’s important we all try to flatten the curve and do all we can to save as many lives as we can. While this restricts us, makes us feel isolated, it’s a small price to pay. I don’t want to lose my grandparents or have them be at an even greater risk for death, so it’s important that continue to follow guidelines.

Despite all of my preaching, I realize how difficult it is to look inward at oneself. I too struggle with it, failing to heed my own advice most of the time. I’ve only meditated one time in the last week, and I know I’d feel better if I made it more of a practice.

I’ve also found that there are many things that can make this self-isolation feel worse.

1. Watching the news all the time: It’s important to know what’s going on, but I think many can agree that constant news coverage provides a consistent reminder of the direness of the situation and becomes extremely addictive. It takes up too much time out of one’s day, and sucks you in to a depressing picture of the state we’re in. For the near future, it’s only going to continue to get worse.
2. Phone usage: I’m extremely guilty of this, and I know this has contributed heavily to the stress that I’ve been feeling. Without the distraction of sports, I rely on the distraction of YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, or various games on my phone that take up time. Does the usage of these apps really make me feel better? No. But they DO shift my thought from the heaviness of out situation towards something else. That in itself is NOT wrong. Neither I or anyone else should force themselves to stew in the negativity of our circumstances. We should find ways to distract ourselves, but some ways are healthier than others.
3. Life without routine: This point is particularly subjective, as I believe that my lack of routine has contributed strictly to my stress about the situation. It’s almost as if having no schedule leaves me in a limbo state and makes me more likely to fall back into old bad habits, like using my phone. If I don’t schedule myself time to focus on homework or time to get active, I just won’t do it. If I don’t schedule time to write or time to meditate, I won’t do it either. In normal circumstances, a life without structure can be dealt with. A few weeks ago, even if I didn’t have a plan for my day, there would be various options for me whether that involved staying in my home or going out. Now, it seems that because I’m forced inside my home, my options are limited and the lack of structure makes it more difficult to deal with.

If I’m honest, I just think I’m trying to figure things out through writing this. It’s hard to know exactly how to feel about this crisis that we’re experiencing. It’s unprecedented within many of our lifetimes, especially for people my age. While I don’t know exactly how to process it, there are positives that can come out of this experience, and we can do our best to limit ourselves from the things that make the isolation seem worse.